


Wakatte ita Hazu

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 03:03:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12718317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: I should have known.  If I fell in love with you that much, I would hurt just as much.





	Wakatte ita Hazu

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

"Hi, this is Daniel Jackson. You know what to do."

I let out a slow breath through my nose and hang up the phone. There wouldn' t be any point in leaving a message, not with the other six on there. Maybe he 's not there, maybe he's at the mountain...on a Saturday? No, he's probably just avoiding me.

Can't say I blame him.

I don't really remember much after he put me to bed. I do know when I fell asleep he was sitting near me. When I woke up, though...for a minute I thought it 'd been a dream, a terrible nightmare and that none of it had happened. I knew it wasn't true, but after the night I'd had I thought I'd earned some delusion time.

Lying bastard didn't stay. That was my second thought. The instant I was asleep he bailed. Well, that's not entirely true. He cleaned up the living room and put the scotch away, then he bailed. No note, no message, no nothing. Now he's ducking me. My first message was loud, angry, and afterward I put a fist through the wall. I'll have to fix that before the next mission.

But I need to fix this first.

I should've just ignored it. Let it go as a prank and admitted nothing. So why did I? ...because it's been so painful holding onto this secret. And Daniel...of everyone, I thought Daniel would understand. Aren't the geeks supposed to be the well-adjusted ones? The ones that will explore anything at least once? I'm the sexually repressed military asshole. I'm supposed to be angry and upset and ducking calls.

But it's not me. It's Daniel. 

Damnit, why'd I fall in love with him of all people? Carter would've been easier to handle! I simply retire and bam, relationship. No fuss, no conflicting emotions, nothing complicated. Just a simple him and her thing. But oh no, the universe had to make me fall in love with that stubborn sonofabitch. And now I'm suffering because of it.

Well you know what? Screw this sitting around. He won't pick up the phone? Then I'll make him talk to me. He can't ignore me in person. He won't want me to make a scene outside his door. He'll have to let me in. And then we' ll talk. I'd rather kiss him senseless, but from what I remember of last night ...talk is the way to go.

Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I glance up at the sky. A bit overcast, but nothing bad. And Daniel's isn't that far to walk. Yeah, walk. I've still got a pretty big headache, and I need to figure out what I'm going to say to him. Should I barge in, yelling and demanding to know why he wasn't there? Why he said he'd stay to talk, and then up and bailed?

But if I do that, he'll clam up. He always does when he goes on the defensive. I don't want him to be defensive. I want him to talk to me, to realize that we're meant for each other, and that I'm serious about what I've said, that it wasn't some drunken declaration to piss him off or stun him. Problem is words aren't my thing. I may be past that whole sexual repression stuff, but I 'm still an action man. Words are Daniel's skill. Me, I'm lucky if I can even find the right word to convey what I'm feeling.

A few pelts of rain hit me. No problem finding a word then. "Fuck." I pull the collar up on my jacket. Figures. I'm too far to go back to the house to get to my truck. On the plus side, this'll tug at Daniel's guilt strings. He won't want me to remain outside, soaking and cold. He'll want me to come in, to warm up. And he may not want to talk at first, but I'll get him there. I've always been good at getting Daniel to open up. At least, I used to be.

It takes me another thirty minutes to make it to Daniel's apartment, and I look up to his loft, unconsciously searching for him on the balcony. It's stupid, I know. It's raining--well, drizzling, but it's wet. Daniel wouldn't be outside.

Someone else is, though. I suck in a breath. It's Davis. Paul Davis. What the hell is he doing at Daniel's? Oh God, did he hear the messages? I'm dead. Really dead. I see him saying something over his shoulder, through the open door. He goes inside after listening to the reply. Me? I lean against the building and simply stare off into nothing.

Fuck. Now what, O'Neill? You go in, guns blazing? Telling Davis to take a hike and go all alpha on Daniel? That's a sure-fire way for a one-way trip to a jail cell. But if I show up like this, what's he going to think? After those messages, he must know how I feel about Daniel, about the situation. 

And then it hits me. Davis is in Daniel's apartment, on a Saturday afternoon, in casual clothes. It's not official business, it's not because Daniel called him regarding my behavior...it's because they have plans. Davis is seeing Daniel...casually.

Shit. Fuck fuckity fuck! You're an idiot, O'Neill! A fucking idiot! I turn and storm off, back towards my house. How could I have been so stupid? A man like Daniel, of course someone would grab him, be it a woman or man. And it has to be Davis of all people! 

...and maybe it's for the best. I mean, what would Daniel want with someone like me? Old, gray hair, bad knees...Davis is more like him. Younger, into museums, history...words. Twice the fool, Colonel. That's what you are. For admitting your feelings to Daniel, and then for thinking he'd ever reciprocate them.

Twice a fool, who can't stop thinking about him, can't stop loving him. I should've known it would hurt this much. This is the price for loving someone who doesn't know. It's a pain I'll have to live with...forever. I love Daniel, and that's never going to change. 

I just wish he could love me back.

(Owari...)


End file.
